(Not So Great) EXPECTATIONS verses ACCEPTANCE
I find this a often. I
look for a quote to place at the top of the page that embodies what I wish to
write about and come up with mostly negative version – looking for a “No
Expectations” one was no exception (just shows how attached me seem to be to negative views) Majority of them were things like “Have no expectations and people will
not disappoint you” as if it is the other
persons fault for falling short. I don’t
think any of us enjoy having expectations put upon us (at least when it isn’t
agreed upon by both parties) so why do we feel it is perfectly acceptable to
put them on others? And then when the
person (who hasn’t agreed t our
expectations) fails to live up to them we get bent out of shape and angry at them!
Who many relationships have been destroyed simply for that fact that one
or both individuals don’t live up to the imposed expectations? There is a psychological term called
“projecting” and I feel this is a perfect example of just that. Projecting (just like a movie projector
projects an image onto a screen) psychological projecting is when we “project”
our values and baggage onto another and feel they are to blame for our
discomfort. So expectations are a form
of projecting. We want someone to be a
certain way or do a certain thing and when it falls through its all “their”
fault.
So what are expectations?
Basically it is a variety of “beliefs” we have taken on that that we
cling to and feel that things are suppose to live up to them. In a sense, we believe our opinions are the
“be all and end all”. Some expectations
seem perfectly valid. If you own a
business and you hire someone to work for you, it is perfectly valid to
“expect” them to do their job. That is a
pre-arrange agreement by both parties.
But it is when WE decide something should be a certain way and either
directly or indirectly imposes it upon another person that the problems
begin. When you think about it,
expectations are the epiphany of selfishness because we are putting how WE
think things should be (and/or our values) first and foremost and as more "right" and important than the other persons.
Expectations in general I feel are the biggest source of you
pain. Expectations boil down to us
wanting things to be a certain way and then falling short. This goes for things as well as people. I’m sure we have all had experiences such
as really looking forward to a party and then coming away very disappointed. There is nothing wrong with feeling
excitement over some impending event BUT what is really behind that excitement?
I began observing in myself that every time I was excited by an upcoming
event and ended up coming away disappointed (and sometimes depressed) that is
was NOT the fault of the event. It was
because I had all of these expectations as to what I would experience while I
was there. An example could be if you
are single and you have been invited to the ``party of the year`` and this is
it! Woo Hoo! You are going to meet Mr. (or Ms) Right! Then what is going to happen when you don't? Anger, Upset. Depression. You may start giving up on the idea of
meeting that special someone. On the
other hand, if you were excited and thinking to yourself "Wow. I'm really looking forward to this
party. I haven't been out in a long time
and I'm looking forward to a change of pace!”
That is realistic. There are no
expectations. You are simply excited
about the reality of the
situation. I know myself that once I
realized this and let go of my expectations of an event I actually came away
having really enjoyed them and it was quite a shock to me! When you go into something with expectations
that is where your focus is. This is
what you think/believe/want to happen
and it distracts you from the reality of the event and you will end up missing
out on so many wonderful experiences because you are not open to them. Expectations could also be referred to a
"preconceived notions". They
are not based on what IS but your fantasies of it. It is actually a form of control. An attempt to control and manipulate events
and people to fit a mould of what YOU want them to be rather than what they
really are.
To go even deeper with this, what about those times when you
expectations ARE perfectly reasonable and/or have been agreed upon by another
party but they are not being met? Like
the employee that turns out to be a lazy bum and you have done everything you
possibly can to get them to live up to their end of the bargain to no avail? The employee doing his or her job is a "valid"
expectation (agreed upon by both parties) but once that "agreement"
is broken, the expectation needs to be let go of. You need to rethink the expectation. While it may be perfectly valid and reasonable - is it realistic and viable under the circumstances? And here is where acceptance comes in. You can continue to hold on to the
expectation and drive yourself crazy or you can let go and accept. Accepting is NOT about giving up or
convincing yourself to be okay with a situation that you clear aren't. It is about seeing it for what it is and
realizing you cannot change it. One of
my personal pet peeves is people that complain about the weather all the time
and are miserable about it. You can't do
anything to change it so get over it!!! Doesn't mean you have to learn to like it
but you can't do anything about it so accept
it! It is what it is Once you can step in to
acceptance of a situation and, you step away from all the stress and it opens
you up to a place of creative solutions. (For myself, I used to hate winter - and there is a whole other page brewing from that! - but once I stepped away from being caught in the "I hate winter" funk, I suddenly realized I actually liked winter! I'm an introvert so it gives me the perfect excuse to hole up and hibernate :-)
So back to the example of the lazy employee that no matter
how you have tried, will not change.
Once you accept the fact that it is out of your hands, then you can move
into making a decision. You beginning to
look at all the facts of the
situation and can then determine what you are
and aren’t willing to do. Maybe the obvious choice is to fire them but
you realize that having them there brings in a lot of business. Look deep and figure out which is more
important to you and what you are willing to live with. What you are and are not willing to do is not
the real point. The point is taking
responsibility for the situation.
As long as you have expectations you are basically putting
your life into someone else’s hands! Giving
up responsibility of your own life and them blaming everyone else when it
doesn`t go your way. Even in AA they say
the first step is admitting you are an alcoholic i.e. being willing to accept
the fact. Most likely it is not
something pleasant to admit but as long as you don`t admit there is a problem,
and it’s up to you to do something about it, you are going to continue to be at
the mercy of the booze. Why would we
want to give up control of our lives to other people and things? And that is what we are really doing. We kid ourselves into thinking we aren`t but
really we are. I myself have found how
incredible it is when I step back from a situation and stop trying to control
it. Accept it for what it is regardless
of whether I like it or not. The stress
of constantly trying to change it to no avail almost instantly dissipates and I
can look at the situation much more clearly and realistically. If you do not like your partner’s behaviour
and they refuse to change no matter how much you reason with them, then you have
to make a decision.
We get so caught up in wanting things to be a certain way and trying to force them in a sense (or literally) we lose sight of the what is really around us. Heaven and Hell really DO exist but they aren’t “out there”. They live inside our heads.
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