STEPPING INTO MY VUNERABILITY
Okay ........ so that is a perfect example of the type of
things that I want to write about in this blog.
Like I have mentioned before, my passion my whole adult life has been
about the mind and how it affects our life.
More accurately how our thoughts and beliefs affect our life. And the worst part is, for the most part we
have NO clue. We live our days on
autopilot thinking that we have “freedom of choice” when in fact we don’t. We have all these thought and beliefs that we
aren’t even aware of controlling us every minute of every day. I’m FAR from free of them. How I started this article off proves that
but I saw a post on Face book a couple of weeks ago that says it very well “We
are ALL puppets. I’m just aware of the
strings”. I see so many people that are
unhappy (and I definitely still have my days.
Still have lots of strings) and I just wish I could reach out to them
and maybe help them start to become aware of some of their strings. I’ve
struggled for a very long time and would like to be able to share some of the
things that my struggles and desire to understand them have shown me. So that is why I want to do this blog. And the fact that I have had people tell me
that some of the things I have shared with them has helped them encourages
me. AND I know all too well what it’s
like to feel like you are the only one that thinks/feels the things you do and
what a relief it is to find out you aren’t!
We can feel pretty damned lonely in our pain.
The next thing was deciding how exactly I was going to
proceed. Do I just write articles
speaking about the things I have learned in a general kind of way? And then I had something happen two days ago
that changed my perception. One of the
things that has been playing in the back of my mind is how someone I deeply
respect told me that it is important for me to become more “vulnerable”. That my inability to be vulnerable is holding
me back. When she told me, I could feel
it to be very true but in the same breath didn’t have the first clue as to what
that meant (for me in my life) or how to go about doing it. So what was I supposed to do? Start crying in public? Start telling everybody I meet whatever crap
happened to be going on in my life at the time?
(And believe me there has been a lot this year!). What the hell does being vulnerable mean
anyway? Slowly I started to understand a
bit more. I finally understood that when
she said being vulnerable is actually strength
and not the weakness, as I had come to believe, that she was totally
right. It takes COURAGE to be vulnerable. (Writing that puts to mind the “tough guy” at
the dance who lets on he is WAY to cool to dance when in fact he is covering up
that he is afraid of what people will think of him but a part of him would love to be out there.) So
yesterday I, seemingly out of the blue, was hit with a deep, gut wrenching
sadness. I did my best not to think
about it. Not to talk about it. Too just allow myself to fully FEEL it
(something I will get to later) and just allow the sadness to fully express
itself (something we do way too little of).
As I did, things started to come forward. Things that I was unknowingly pushing down
and not allowing myself to look at for various reasons. And during that, MAN
was I feeling vulnerable!!! And it
actually felt kinda good. And I realized
THAT is the place I need to write from. Not
in a detatched “here’s what I do” way but to try to really speak from the
heart. So that is what my intent will
be. To open up. Be vulnerable and speak from my heart and
soul. I think there are very very few
people that can honestly say they have it all together. Have it all figured out. We are all struggling and too often in the
past I have given over my........ What? Autonomy? ....... To people that put on a
show of having it “all together” only to eventually see they really don’t. I remember years ago talking to a women who
had been an alcoholic and had been in therapy for it. When she met her first therapist she asked
the therapist if she had ever been an alcoholic and received a “No”. She
immediately requested another therapist as the last thing she wanted was one
that had no clue what she was going through.
Makes sense.
Life ISN’T about having it “all together”. Every time I think I have it “all together”,
life throws me another unexpected curve and I feel like I’m starting all over
again. There will always be pain. There will always be struggle and the sooner
we get that the better off we will be. (I
think one of the beliefs most of us carry is that once such and such happens,
life will be good and we will be happy. But
it never seems to work that way and we just find ourselves reaching for the
next “fix”. Hey I know that first hand
all too well!) Instead, it’s about how
we learn to deal with these things. Chances
of us ever having it “all together” are pretty damned slim but we can work on
finding some semblance of peace in our lives and use these things to learn more
about ourselves and how our mind works.
Like I mentioned in another post, I love facing fears. But I find it much easier to face physical fears because in that arena, I
can logic my way through it. I guess you could call it, existential fears I find much
harder. Yes using logic can play a role
in helping but when you are all tied up in emotions that you don’t understand
logic gets drowned out pretty quickly and we become like a fox chasing its tail
(or my cat lol! I have a cat that seems to mirror where I am in my life with an
amazing accuracy!) And so here I am,
stepping into my vulnerability! Chow for
now :-)
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