PEACE AMID THE STORM
Many years ago I ran across a picture (really wish I could
find it but haven’t had any luck) of Buddha sitting peacefully in mediation in
the centre surrounded by a collage of pictures of noise and confusion. It really stuck with me. I yearned for that kind of peace.
I used to go to a women’s drumming group. The place we gathered was beautiful and
peaceful. We would all breathe a sigh of
relief as we pulled up the long driveway surrounded by cedar trees. The evenings spent there, all the
participants enjoyed a state of bliss.
One night while we were sharing, I mentioned this sense of bliss we all
had but commented on how we needed to find a way to feel like this in our
everyday lives, not just in places and moments like these. I remember everybody looking at me like I had
three heads! Since then I have spoken to
people about this “elusive place” and wanting to achieve it and have been told
(and I’m talking about spiritual teachers) that it is not possible. That it is a “pipe dream”. We can find ourselves in that space at times
but we cannot actually live there. I’m
here to tell you they are dead wrong! Five
years ago I found myself in that very place – the place of utter peace
regardless of what was going on around me.
It was like living constantly in the eye of the hurricane. It was incredible! And there were so many “perks” that came with
it such as synchronicity suddenly playing a big role in my life. (I had never experienced real synchronicity
at work before and had though it was just a “myth”). And it isn’t a place where you put on blinders
and just ignore things you don’t like.
It is a place where unpleasant things still happen but you are able to deal
with them in a much more constructive way.
Now the problem was...... I had no idea how I had gotten there
and after about 6 month a situation happened in my life that completely pulled
me out of it (and I can even tell you the exact minute it happened I remember
it so well). I had spent the years
since then desperately trying to figure out what exactly caused me to be “pulled
out” how the hell do I get back! All
of the things I had thought we’re
behind it didn’t work. Every once in
awhile I would hit on something that did
get me back there and I was all “Eureka!!!”
but it would be short lived. Aw
man I was frustrated!!!! It was almost worse having experienced it and loosing it
than not having had it at all.
Over most of my adult life (outside of those blissful 6
months) I have been haunted by certain questions about myself in regard to situations
that bring up seriously uncomfortable feelings that make NO logical sense. Situations, for example, where I have a lot
to be grateful for (and am ..... intellectually) but for the most part am
completely incapable of really feeling
gratitude and I couldn’t figure out why.
I’ve put a lot of effort into
trying to find the answers but they eluded me entirely. Then one night I found
myself severely triggered. I was full of
anger and resentment and had no idea why. I went to bed knowing full well I was going to have a rough night and it
didn’t disappoint. I woke up at 1:30
in the morning ready to spit nails!! I
got up and laid down in the spare bedroom with my mind racing with all these rageful thoughts that would not let me go back to sleep. And as my mind bitched and complained with no
stopping it, I suddenly realized that all those questions that had been
haunting me for so many years were being answered! (I won’t get into the details here because
they are basically irrelevant to where I am going though if I did I can guarantee many many people, particularly
women, would be able to totally identify. Maybe it is something I will get
into in another post). So this was
great. I finally had the answers but the
flip side was I could see no way out. I
could clearly see what was causing my pain but there was very literally no way
to change the situations. So that just
added to the rage. Somehow, after a few hours of mental raging, I finally fell
asleep.
I am prone to having dreams
where something is after me and I know I will be killed eventually. I am in utter fear and panic trying unsuccessfully
to find somewhere safe while the thing draws closer and closer. Since dreams are not to be taken literally and are
simply symbolic, these dreams are my
subconscious welling forth in regard to something in my everyday life I am
running from or not understanding (such as what was behind this rage that welled up). Well this particular night of my raging, I
find myself in this lovely place.
Peaceful, good friends, fun. I wander
off alone for a bit when suddenly all hell breaks loose! And here we go again! I’m in an unavoidable life and death
situation knowing there is no way out and I’m gonna die horribly in the end. The
first thing that happened was I found myself trapped in an enclosed area and in
front of the only exit was a man in the process of turning into a
werewolf. (I’m not a lucid dreamer so
when I dream to me it’s really happening at the time). Instantly I started to go into that old
familiar, justified place
of panic. But something suddenly shifted in me and I yelled out “Fuck! This is just
like those dreams I have!” The panic left and I became calm. I knew I had a couple of minutes before the guy would be fully turned and be able to come after me. I began to look around and discovered another
hidden doorway at the back (a doorway I never would have noticed if I had been in panic mode). I made my
way over as inconspicuously as possible and slowly and quietly opened it. I looked out to discover everyone
there at the fair was being brutally butchered by a bunch of insane, freakish
creatures! There was no escape. There were so many that I knew I was going to
be butchered eventually as well. Just a
matter of time before one of them saw me.
There was absolutely nothing I could do.
But instead of panic taking over, I felt very calm. I went into acceptance of the fact of the situation..... at least as I knew it to be in the moment.
Well, to make a long story short, being in this place of
acceptance (regardless of the fact I didn’t like it, it was still a fact) my head
stayed very clear and I began to observe and think very logically. Opportunities began to present themselves
that I would think “I’m probably not going to get out of this but what do I
have to lose?” and I’d try it. Then end
results? Not only did I not end up getting butchered but some of
my clear headed actions resulted in not only these homicidal creatures
eventually ignoring me altogether as I walked around freely among them but I discovered I had actually gained their respect!!! When my alarm went off and started to pull me awake, the dream had by then become so wonderful I
fought to stay in it lol!
I knew this was a
very powerful dream. That something had
gotten deep into my subconscious that had enable me to turn my typical dreams
of terror completely around but it took me sitting down to write it out fully
to see the msgs. And when I did, I
suddenly saw that the “key” I had been looking for all those years had been presented to me. ACCEPTANCE!!!! I touched on this in my last page about
Expectations. Acceptance isn’t about
being okay with things. It’s about
looking at the reality of the
situation and accepting it as the “fact” it seems to be in the moment i.e. in
the dream I knew I was going to die and there was nothing I could do about
it. (Maybe you are broke and need money and can't see how you can come up with it. Well that is a FACT) It is when we refuse to accept
things as they are and struggle and get emotional over them and slip into “victimhood”
that we loose site – loose our “minds - of the situation..
And once we loose our mind we loss the opportunity to look at thinks
clearly and see potential solutions presented to us - sometimes right under our noses.
(Side note: I saw a movie a while back with Tom Hanks in it. It was during WW2 and a spy that had infiltrated
the allies had been discovered. Tom
Hanks was hired as the lawyer to represent him.
Through the whole proceeding, this spy remained perfectly calm, cool
and collected. Tom Hanks couldn’t
understand how the guy wasn’t freaking out.
He kept saying things to him like “You realize they will put you to death
if you are found guilty. Why aren’t you
panicking?” To which the spy replied “Would
it help if I did?” Wow!!! Very profound. No his panicking wouldn’t improve the situation and in fact, could potentially
make it worse if he did something rash like try to flee.)
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