THE SILENT SCREAM

That picture was me.  Well not literally 😏

So here is my story about the rage I felt that night I wrote about in my previous page.  How it began was, I had spent the afternoon and early evening texting with a close friend with whom I enjoy very deep conversations.  I always feel very good and uplifted afterwards being able to share so deeply and completely with this woman.  But this time I noticed near the end that my comments were becoming laced with cynicism and resentment (not towards her).  When we were finished, I felt extremely out of sorts but had no idea why.  Obviously something near the end of the conversation had triggered some unknown emotional “button”.  I couldn’t figure out what it was.  Couldn't shake it.  It carried on through the rest of the evening.  By the time I went to bed, all of this nasty energy was coursing through my body and I knew I was going to have a rough night.  I managed to get to sleep quickly but sure enough, I woke up at 1:30 am fit to be tied!  I was in a rage ready to spit nails!  I got up and tried to lie down in the spare bedroom so I would be alone and not disturb my husband.  All of these angry thoughts battered the insides of my brain and there was nothing I could do to stop them.  I angrily tossed and turned.  I repeatedly got out of bed and sat outside hoping it would clear my head but there was no stopping it.  In my angry flopping I even accidentally kicked one of my poor cats and sent him flying off the bed. L  I guess you could call this one of those proverbial “dark night of the soul’s” .  But as I started to really listen to the words in my head, I realized some long time questions that had haunted me were being answered.  Questions about myself that had troubled me for many, many years.  Questions like:  I have a good life.  I have everything I could need and much more.  I am not the type of person that needs to strive for “more and better”.  I’m not out to impress people with my possessions or my accomplishments.  My life is good.  There is nothing more I WANT..... so why am I not happy with it?  Why do I know I should feel grateful but can’t?  Another big question was:  My husband isn’t adventurous like me.  I’ve learned to accept it and in the end it isn’t really a huge deal so why do I find myself feeling so angry about it often?  None of it made any logical sense and no matter how hard I had tried, I couldn’t come up with the answers.  The rage that was coming up this night answered everything.

As I listened to my words, I realized I was very angry and resentful because I actually didn’t have any real place of “refuge and peace”.  Nowhere I could be that I could truly go “Ahhhh!” in my everyday life.  My husband can come home and do the “Ahhhh!” and I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t.  I’d look forward to getting home from work but most days as soon as I walked in the door I’d feel more stressed and agitated than when I was at work!  I’d look forward to the weekend but then when when it came – there was that damned agitation again!  What the hell?  (Another elusive question I’d had).  And my rage that night made me see that the very place that should be my haven was far from it.  I couldn’t walk in the door and go “Ahhhh!”  because as soon as I did, I was inundated with all these chores that “had” to be done.  I had simply walked out of one job and into another!  Even when I was "relaxing", I couldn't fully relax because I knew there was something I was eventually going to have to deal with.  And as far as the “adventure” question?  I realized that I was right.  I really didn't need to have these adventures (though I am definitely always up for them) but it wasn’t really about the doing as it was that they were my place of refuge.  They were the only real time I could fully let go and relax simply because, for example, you go on a holiday and you leave all your cares behind.  No bills to pay.  No dishes to do.  No rooms that scream “Paint me damn it!”  No weedy gardens whispering to the neighbors what a lazy person you actually are.  No dogs bugging you to take them out for a pee.  No clocks to keep an eye on.  Deep down I was horribly resentful towards my husband for robbing me of this! (and I might add, what a major example that resentfulness is of the art of projecting personal issues onto someone else)   He had his place where he could find peace and refuge but “denied” me mine! I started to realize that almost everything in my life my mind had attached this neon sign to (including my husband) that flashed “WORK WORK WORK” whenever I was near it.  (I think there are a lot of women out there that can relate to this).  The closest I had ever come to feeling like my home was a haven was when my husband used to do shift work.  While he was on nights I could do want I wanted when I wanted.  I could get involved in projects with no fear of interruption.  I could go to bed as early as I wanted or as late as I wanted (well technically I still can but if I stay up late I am limited to what I can do).  I didn’t have to cook dinner and I didn’t have to eat when I wasn’t hungry.  If I wanted the place to be quiet and noise (TV/music) free, it was – which was most of the time.  But then he was put on straight days so all of that went out the window and I was resentful because my last bit of feeling I had some sort of haven was taken away from me L 

As I said on my last page about this, that was great that I suddenly understood what had been causing me problems all those years but the fact that I couldn’t see any possible way out just made me even angrier.  What was I gonna do?  Pack up and move to some remote cabin in the wood and hope that would make me feel better?  Not very realistic in so many ways.  Then I had that dream.  The dream showed me that it wasn’t about what was going on in my life that was the issue.  It was how I was thinking about it, perceiving it that was the issue.  That I could be up to my eyeballs and not have to change a thing (outwardly) to find that peace I was so missing.  I had it in me to be the “Buddha sitting amongst the noise and confusion”........  the peace and “haven” I so craved (ya I know it’s a cliché but it’s true) could be only truly found inside of me – not outside.

(To read my story on how I turned this rage into peace go to:  PEACE AMID THE STORM)

One thing I want to add to this – I spent 20 or more years going from one type of “healing”, spiritual type workshop to the next.  I’m not saying there is anything wrong at all with doing these.  They can be very enjoyable and interesting.  I still do them on occasion when the mood strikes me but now it’s strictly for the pleasure of it with no real intent or expectations to get anything out of it.  (Like going camping.  You go for the pleasure and not because you think it is going to somehow change your life but who know?  You may get lucky even with a simple camping trip!  Just don't expect it (see my page on Expectations)). Initially I was going from one to the other trying to find answers.  Trying to find out what was “wrong” with me. What needed to be “healed” in order for me to feel good about myself and my life.  Every time I took a workshop or joined a group I thought “This is it!  This is going to be the thing that helps me find peace and happiness!”  I’d come away from it feeling like a million plus bucks but without fail, a few days home and I was back to my old one dollar self.  This is a common phenomenon of these workshops.  In fact one week long I went to actually addressed this as we prepared to head home.  It was referred to as the “contraction”.  We were told we had spent all week digging in and doing these wonderful ceremonies that had cause our being to “expand” but within a couple of days, the contraction would start to set in and we were to be very aware of this and not allow it to happen.  All fine and dandy but how exactly do we do that?  No one stops to realize that, ceremonies or not, we are in a place where the everyday hum drum does not exist (just like going on a holiday) and while these ceremonies may very well have brought about some great insights into ourselves they, in the end, do little to help us find peace in the “real” world.

(Addendum:  I've have a number of feed backs from this posting and feel I need to elaborate on something.  In sharing the things I was angry about I was attempting to illustrate how we internally create our own distress and then project it onto others (there is an old saying about when you point your finger at someone there are three pointing back).  I was not implying that my husband does not help around the house.  In fact he is more than happy to help.  All I have to do is ask.  My issues of feeling like my home is just another job and how he can walk in and just go "Ahhh!" is based on our individual perceptions.  I've had it drilled into me that the home is the woman's responsibility and even thought I know that isn't the truth, there is still that level of social "programming" that I struggle with.  He does not have that "programming" so home is a haven to him.  And even though my first level of dealing with this situation that angered me so much was coming into a place of acceptance, I still needed to find a way to "feed my soul" so to speak, so was able to sit down with my husband and talk to him about my feelings and needs, and work on coming up with a solution, once I was able to fully understand them 😊).


I was just sent this little clip and had to included it for a laugh!

How I used to handle stress verses how I handle it now